The Cost of Being Nice: How People-Pleasing Impacts Your Mental Health

Have you ever said “yes” when you meant “no”? Agreed to something that drained you, just to keep the peace? Felt anxious about someone being upset with you even when you did nothing wrong?

If so, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is a common behaviour rooted in the desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or feel worthy but it often comes at a cost to your mental and emotional health.

At UPI Health, we help clients explore how people-pleasing patterns develop and support them in building the confidence to set boundaries, speak up and reconnect with their own needs without guilt.

What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing goes beyond kindness or cooperation. It’s the pattern of:

• Prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own

• Avoiding conflict or disagreement at all costs

• Feeling responsible for how others feel

• Struggling to set or maintain boundaries

• Feeling guilty or anxious when you say “no”

• Basing your self-worth on approval or praise

While people-pleasing can make you seem dependable or thoughtful, it often hides deeper issues like fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or trauma responses.

Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?

This pattern often starts in childhood or adolescence, especially if:

• You were raised in a home where love was conditional or approval was earned

• Conflict was unsafe, so staying agreeable became a survival tool

• You felt responsible for the emotions of a parent, sibling or partner

• You were praised mainly for being “easy,” “quiet,” or “helpful”

Over time, the habit of keeping others happy becomes second nature—even if it means silencing yourself.

The Mental Health Impact of People-Pleasing

While it may feel like you’re keeping the peace or doing the “right” thing, chronic people-pleasing can lead to:

• Burnout and exhaustion from constantly overextending yourself

• Anxiety about how others perceive you or whether you’ve upset someone

• Resentment toward others and yourself

• Low self-worth, as your identity becomes based on what others want

• Difficulty forming authentic relationships, since you’re not showing up as your full self

• Depression, especially when your own needs are chronically unmet

  
  

How Therapy Can Help

Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish, it’s about becoming whole.

Therapy offers a safe space to:

• Understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviours

• Explore what boundaries feel safe and doable for you

• Learn to tolerate discomfort without abandoning yourself

• Practice assertive communication that feels authentic, not aggressive

• Build your self-esteem based on who you are not what you do for others

• Redefine your identity beyond being “the nice one”

At UPI Health, our therapists will work with you at your own pace to reconnect with your voice and values.

Strategies to Start Letting Go of People-Pleasing

1. Notice Your Automatic “Yes” - Pause before agreeing to something. Ask yourself: Do I truly want to do this?

2. Use Gentle Boundaries - Start small. “I’d love to, but I’m not available right now,” is honest and kind.

3. Sit With Discomfort - It’s okay if someone is mildly disappointed. Their reaction isn’t your responsibility.

4. Challenge Guilt With Truth - Remind yourself: “My needs matter too.”

5. Rehearse Assertive Phrases - Practicing lines like “I need to think about it” or “That doesn’t work for me” can help you feel prepared.

6. Reflect On Your Needs - Journaling or therapy can help you reconnect with what you want, need, and feel.

   
   

You Can Be Kind Without Losing Yourself

You don’t have to earn love through over giving. You don’t have to be agreeable to be accepted. You are allowed to take up space, have preferences, and say “no” without explaining yourself.

At UPI Health, our therapists are here to support you as you unlearn people-pleasing and build a more authentic, confident, and emotionally balanced life.

Ready to reclaim your voice? It starts with one conversation.